conservative radio host Michael Savage believes that Chief Justice Roberts sided with the Liberal Wing of the Supreme Court on the health care bill because he was high on anti-seizure medication he takes to deal with his Epilepsyâ€¦.
WRITERMATT: Man, I want some of that anti-seizure medication. It sounds awesome.
BRAIN: brought to you by Rockstar!
PJ: and THAT’S why I don’t drink rockstar anymore
BRAIN: me too
BRAIN: plus it tastes like berry flavored ralf
WRITERMATT: I just got a kick out of walking over to Molly and Andrea’s cubes with a grammar question and saying, “Docs team: assemble!”
DAVE: “We’re having a linguistic emergency! Only you can save us!”
BRAIN: tell me when you guys make the firezord
PJ: is that a power rangers reference?
JYU: yes, on the new season, Power Rangers Earth, there’s a firezord, earthzord, waterzord, airzord, and a heartzord, and they call combine to make Captainplanetzord!
WRITERMATT: The guy with the “heart” power was clearly the lamest of the Planeteers, and they were all pretty lame.
WRITERMATT: Were they actually the Planeteers? That’s how I remember it, but that name is incredibly stupid.
BRAIN: you think that as a child, but as an adult if you think about it, he had the most dangerous power
BRAIN: that little kid could use his ring to convince everyone to make him president if he wanted
BRAIN: he’s the antichrist
WRITERMATT: Is that really what his ring could do? I thought it just made animals not eat him.
BRAIN: it was an empathy ring
BRAIN: even if it only worked on animals, used for evil, he could have caused a famine
BRAIN: or wiped out all meat production
WRITERMATT: I bet there’s a dark, gritty Captain Planet fanfic out there where the scenario you describe happens.
PJ: OR he could have a pack of wolves following him and committing atrocity by his very whim
BRAIN: he could have ordered all the zebra mussels in the world to simultaneously plug all the intake vents of all the nuclear reactors in the world, causing a nuclear catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions
BRAIN: or given everyone in america avian flu
WRITERMATT: This sounds way better than the show actually was.
PJ: and then he’d be able to build an army of giant irradiated scorpions to fight off any other would-be post-apocalyptic warlords and become king of the world
JYU: except Japan would be saved by Godzilla
BRAIN: yeah maybe that little kid grows up to be Khan from Star Trek
PJ: HOLY SHIT!
WRITERMATT: Mind = blown.
PJ: brain, I think you may have just spoiled the plot for Star Trek Lensflare 2: Lensflare-er
JYU: J J Abrams is just one of those people who goes through the effort to put 32 pieces of flare into his movies.
BRAIN: Star Trek: Tchotchkey’s
PJ: We’ll THINK that Sherlock Khan is the villian, until he summons forth Captain Planet, and the crew of the enterprise is forced to destroy the defender of the environment…
GARY: Women should look like women; not 14 year old boys.
GARY: Curves: Sexy
GARY: Shrink-wrapped skeleton: Not Sexy
GARY: Any questions?
BRAIN: spoken like someone who has never banged a shrink-wrapped skeleton
LISA: Thank you, Gary!
GARY: Not my type, Brian. I like a meaty woman.
GARY: You have fun with those sharp edges, though
BRAIN: who said anything about women?
Q: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
A: “war” ?
Q: Hey. War is not the answer.
I thought I was so clever coming up with this, but the other day I was eating lunch at a cafe with Melissa, and it went something like this:
We’re in Palo Alto Town & Country, in full view of two different cars with the bumper sticker “War is not the answer.”
BRAIN: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
MELISSA: Uhm… I don’t know.
BRAIN: Come on. Three letters.
MELISSA: Uhhhh…. no. I don’t know.
BRAIN: Come on Melissa!
MELISSA: No, I don’t know. How would I know?
BRAIN: You are ruining my joke.
BRAIN: in the name of all that is holy stop effin stapling records to your wall, it looks like a garage sale
CELESTE: funny because it’s true
SNOWDEN: But it’s so hard to staple digital downloads to my wall (whine)
SNOWDEN: and it’s still a step above crusty gym socks with female name tags.
BRAIN: going for that “serial killer chic” huh snowden
SNOWDEN: I want to give the police something to think about
SNOWDEN: should I ever get arrested.
BRAIN: yeah like “jesus, it looks like a garage sale in here”
BRAIN: Have you seen The Secret?
BRAIN: It is totally funny
NORMAL: No, but I have seen the hope zombies it creates
BRAIN: I bet
NORMAL: are you envisioning your future?
BRAIN: Somewhat ironically, it’s very close to the Bush administration’s notion of how foreign policy works
BRAIN: Yes all my most irritating megalomaniacal plans now I’m going to blame on The Secret
NORMAL: Everyone in the elevator just watched me blow snot out of my nose laughing
BRAIN: They visualized that
NORMAL: Well, it manifested the fuck out of my nose.
BRAIN: Anyway the point is The Secret is totally stolen from Cosmic Awareness
BRAIN: do you have Netflix
DEAN: streaming, no DVD
BRAIN: you should see The Secret
BRAIN: It is unintentionally hilarious
DEAN: the victim blaming cult?
BRAIN: all those killed in the holocaust were just thinking very negatively
BRAIN: Apparently they were visualizing being burned in ovens
DEAN: I once lived w a guy who was really into it. Never saw the dvd, I bet it is funny as shit
BRAIN: It starts like the The Da Vinci Code
DEAN: ha. It started arguments at that house. T insisted that all bad things are your fault so Daisy asked, “what if your daughter gets raped”
BRAIN: You just made me spit out my mushu
BRAIN: I guess I visualized mushu pork flying out of my face
DEAN: There was lots of T yelling that Daisy “should not put that energy out there” against his daughter.
FRIEND OF BRIDE: You’re on your laptop while in the hot tub?! How sad is that?
BRAIN: I can tell you’re not from around here.
BRAIN: have you been watching the jubilee?
THE_LAW: like cherries?
BRAIN: the thing that’s on the dang teevee all the time now
THE_LAW: why is there a jubilee?
THE_LAW: because of the gay porn star who killed the guy?
THE_LAW: and dismembered him?
BRAIN: what seriously?
THE_LAW: or because of the zombie bathsalt guy?
BRAIN: the diamond jubilee
THE_LAW: oh, are the olympics on or something?
BRAIN: you are so out of it!
THE_LAW: i don’t know… what this is
BRAIN: the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign
BRAIN: there’s all these events? no?
THE_LAW: had no idea
THE_LAW: monarchs are rarely on my radar. except for when they’re doing anal cramming
BRAIN: it’s called “queening”
BRAIN: who is the zombie bathsalt guy?
THE_LAW: YOU’RE out of it!
BRAIN: I’m losing track of all these cannibal stories
THE_LAW: get your priorities straight!
THE_LAW: when we’re up in sutro tower
THE_LAW: with a bunch of shotguns
THE_LAW: and a halfassed flamethrower
THE_LAW: the jubilee won’t matter
BRAIN: maybe the queen can pardon the cannibals
THE_LAW: good point
BRAIN: do you know anything about scotch
UK_SAM: a little
BRAIN: which ones do you like?
BRAIN: I’m almost done with my bottle of Jameson and I want somehting more peaty I think
UK_SAM: what’s the price range and who’s drinking?
UK_SAM: Try a Macallan 12 next?
UK_SAM: then shove the bottle up an old man’s ass
UK_SAM: that’s the ideal experience
BRAIN: god save the queen!
UK_SAM: she likes that too!
UK_SAM: she invented it. that’s why we call bottle cramming “queening”
BRAIN: I did not know that
UK_SAM: absolutely true
BRAIN: I’ll notify M immediately
UK_SAM: Q has a gadget just for this occasion
BRAIN: “do be careful with that 007.”
UK_SAM: if you’re on a mission
UK_SAM: and you need to queen someone
UK_SAM: just take out this umbrella
UK_SAM: and it releases a bottle if you press the upper button (above the normal umbrella release)
UK_SAM: now, if you’re with the REAL queen this won’t do. you’ll need a better umbrella
BRAIN: since she’s seasoned
UK_SAM: she’s more refined, you know
BRAIN: but she doesn’t have a lot to say
UK_SAM: not when she’s getting queened, no
UK_SAM: few do