berry flavored ralf

conservative radio host Michael Savage believes that Chief Justice Roberts sided with the Liberal Wing of the Supreme Court on the health care bill because he was high on anti-seizure medication he takes to deal with his Epilepsy….

WRITERMATT: Man, I want some of that anti-seizure medication. It sounds awesome.
BRAIN: brought to you by Rockstar!
PJ: and THAT’S why I don’t drink rockstar anymore
BRAIN: me too
BRAIN: plus it tastes like berry flavored ralf

Heart Ring

WRITERMATT: I just got a kick out of walking over to Molly and Andrea’s cubes with a grammar question and saying, “Docs team: assemble!”
DAVE: “We’re having a linguistic emergency! Only you can save us!”
BRAIN: tell me when you guys make the firezord

PJ: firezord?
PJ: is that a power rangers reference?
JYU: yes, on the new season, Power Rangers Earth, there’s a firezord, earthzord, waterzord, airzord, and a heartzord, and they call combine to make Captainplanetzord!

WRITERMATT: The guy with the “heart” power was clearly the lamest of the Planeteers, and they were all pretty lame.
WRITERMATT: Were they actually the Planeteers? That’s how I remember it, but that name is incredibly stupid.
BRAIN: you think that as a child, but as an adult if you think about it, he had the most dangerous power
BRAIN: that little kid could use his ring to convince everyone to make him president if he wanted
BRAIN: he’s the antichrist

WRITERMATT: Is that really what his ring could do? I thought it just made animals not eat him.
BRAIN: it was an empathy ring
BRAIN: even if it only worked on animals, used for evil, he could have caused a famine
BRAIN: or wiped out all meat production
WRITERMATT: I bet there’s a dark, gritty Captain Planet fanfic out there where the scenario you describe happens.

PJ: OR he could have a pack of wolves following him and committing atrocity by his very whim
BRAIN: he could have ordered all the zebra mussels in the world to simultaneously plug all the intake vents of all the nuclear reactors in the world, causing a nuclear catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions
BRAIN: or given everyone in america avian flu
WRITERMATT: This sounds way better than the show actually was.
PJ: and then he’d be able to build an army of giant irradiated scorpions to fight off any other would-be post-apocalyptic warlords and become king of the world
JYU: except Japan would be saved by Godzilla
BRAIN: yeah maybe that little kid grows up to be Khan from Star Trek
WRITERMATT: Mind = blown.

PJ: brain, I think you may have just spoiled the plot for Star Trek Lensflare 2: Lensflare-er
JYU: J J Abrams is just one of those people who goes through the effort to put 32 pieces of flare into his movies.
BRAIN: Star Trek: Tchotchkey’s
PJ: We’ll THINK that Sherlock Khan is the villian, until he summons forth Captain Planet, and the crew of the enterprise is forced to destroy the defender of the environment…

Shrink-wrapped skeleton

GARY: Women should look like women; not 14 year old boys.
GARY: Curves: Sexy
GARY: Shrink-wrapped skeleton: Not Sexy
GARY: Any questions?
BRAIN: spoken like someone who has never banged a shrink-wrapped skeleton
LISA: Thank you, Gary!
GARY: Not my type, Brian. I like a meaty woman.
GARY: You have fun with those sharp edges, though
BRAIN: who said anything about women?

My Bumpersticker Joke

Q: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
A: “war” ?
Q: Hey. War is not the answer.

I thought I was so clever coming up with this, but the other day I was eating lunch at a cafe with Melissa, and it went something like this:

We’re in Palo Alto Town & Country, in full view of two different cars with the bumper sticker “War is not the answer.”

BRAIN: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
MELISSA: Uhm… I don’t know.
BRAIN: What.
BRAIN: Come on. Three letters.
MELISSA: Uhhhh…. no. I don’t know.
BRAIN: Come on Melissa!
MELISSA: No, I don’t know. How would I know?
BRAIN: You are ruining my joke.

Don’t Staple Records To Your Wall

BRAIN: in the name of all that is holy stop effin stapling records to your wall, it looks like a garage sale
CELESTE: funny because it’s true
SNOWDEN: But it’s so hard to staple digital downloads to my wall (whine)
SNOWDEN: and it’s still a step above crusty gym socks with female name tags.
BRAIN: going for that “serial killer chic” huh snowden
SNOWDEN: I want to give the police something to think about
SNOWDEN: should I ever get arrested.
BRAIN: yeah like “jesus, it looks like a garage sale in here”

The Secret

BRAIN: Have you seen The Secret?
BRAIN: It is totally funny
NORMAL: hahaha
NORMAL: No, but I have seen the hope zombies it creates
BRAIN: I bet

NORMAL: why?
NORMAL: are you envisioning your future?
BRAIN: Somewhat ironically, it’s very close to the Bush administration’s notion of how foreign policy works
BRAIN: Yes all my most irritating megalomaniacal plans now I’m going to blame on The Secret
NORMAL: Everyone in the elevator just watched me blow snot out of my nose laughing
BRAIN: They visualized that
NORMAL: Well, it manifested the fuck out of my nose.

BRAIN: Anyway the point is The Secret is totally stolen from Cosmic Awareness

BRAIN: do you have Netflix
DEAN: streaming, no DVD
BRAIN: you should see The Secret
BRAIN: It is unintentionally hilarious
DEAN: the victim blaming cult?
BRAIN: yes

BRAIN: all those killed in the holocaust were just thinking very negatively
BRAIN: Apparently they were visualizing being burned in ovens
DEAN: I once lived w a guy who was really into it. Never saw the dvd, I bet it is funny as shit
BRAIN: It starts like the The Da Vinci Code

DEAN: ha. It started arguments at that house. T insisted that all bad things are your fault so Daisy asked, “what if your daughter gets raped”
BRAIN: You just made me spit out my mushu
BRAIN: I guess I visualized mushu pork flying out of my face

DEAN: There was lots of T yelling that Daisy “should not put that energy out there” against his daughter.
BRAIN: hahaha

Cherries and cannibals

BRAIN: have you been watching the jubilee?
THE_LAW: no…????
THE_LAW: like cherries?
BRAIN: the thing that’s on the dang teevee all the time now
THE_LAW: what?
THE_LAW: why is there a jubilee?
THE_LAW: because of the gay porn star who killed the guy?
THE_LAW: and dismembered him?
BRAIN: what seriously?
THE_LAW: or because of the zombie bathsalt guy?

BRAIN: the diamond jubilee
THE_LAW: oh, are the olympics on or something?
BRAIN: you are so out of it!
THE_LAW: i don’t know… what this is
BRAIN: the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign
THE_LAW: oh…
BRAIN: there’s all these events? no?
THE_LAW: maybe?
THE_LAW: had no idea
THE_LAW: monarchs are rarely on my radar. except for when they’re doing anal cramming
BRAIN: it’s called “queening”

BRAIN: who is the zombie bathsalt guy?
THE_LAW: YOU’RE out of it!
BRAIN: I’m losing track of all these cannibal stories

THE_LAW: get your priorities straight!
THE_LAW: when we’re up in sutro tower
THE_LAW: with a bunch of shotguns
THE_LAW: and a halfassed flamethrower
THE_LAW: the jubilee won’t matter
BRAIN: maybe the queen can pardon the cannibals
THE_LAW: good point

Scotch Whiskey

BRAIN: do you know anything about scotch
UK_SAM: a little
BRAIN: which ones do you like?
BRAIN: I’m almost done with my bottle of Jameson and I want somehting more peaty I think
UK_SAM: what’s the price range and who’s drinking?
UK_SAM: Try a Macallan 12 next?
UK_SAM: then shove the bottle up an old man’s ass
UK_SAM: that’s the ideal experience
BRAIN: god save the queen!
UK_SAM: she likes that too!
BRAIN: yikes

UK_SAM: she invented it. that’s why we call bottle cramming “queening”
BRAIN: I did not know that
UK_SAM: absolutely true
BRAIN: I’ll notify M immediately
UK_SAM: Q has a gadget just for this occasion
BRAIN: “do be careful with that 007.”

UK_SAM: if you’re on a mission
UK_SAM: and you need to queen someone
UK_SAM: just take out this umbrella
UK_SAM: and it releases a bottle if you press the upper button (above the normal umbrella release)
BRAIN: tricky

UK_SAM: now, if you’re with the REAL queen this won’t do. you’ll need a better umbrella
BRAIN: since she’s seasoned
UK_SAM: she’s more refined, you know
BRAIN: but she doesn’t have a lot to say
UK_SAM: not when she’s getting queened, no
UK_SAM: few do