Golden Rule

KIRA: Writing must never be without a sense of irony. What the hell kind of Gods would we be if everything we created was predictable? 8)

A weird principle I stand by: I must be able to stand by my decisions if I were confronted by my creations when they die.

I figure it’s kind of the Golden Rule.

Don’t Sit Next To The Action Hero

JYU: Two plane hijackers ‘beaten to death by passengers’ in China
MEAN_ROGER: yeah, in a post 9-11 world plane hijacking isn’t really a thing, cause everyone on the plane will fight to the death now.
JYU: yeah, but even faced with death, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have the courage to be the first guy lunging forth to tackle a knife-armed terrorist
BRAIN: don’t worry jyu. the action hero can just use you as a shield
DAVE: with all the available carry on crates, you can just throw those in front of you
DAVE: if you learn NOTHING ELSE from Jackie Chan, learn that

5-dimensional Diet Coke

BRAIN: I need to open a breatharean restaurant
JYU: you’re going to sell 5-dimensional Diet Coke?
BRAIN: yes, that is why it costs more than regular Diet Coke

JYU: You’d probably do better by selling oxygen-enhanced air at a markup
BRAIN: “that too has already happened” –Number_2 from Austin Powers

WRITERMATT: Do breathareans still exist? It seems like they’d die within 3 days of adopting that diet.
BRAIN: there’s a lot of people who claim to be breathareans
BRAIN: for some reason when they have a lot of observers something goes wrong
JYU: I’m only a partial practioner, because I only practice breatharianism between breakfast and lunch.
BRAIN: Jasmuheen is probably the most obvious breatharean hoaxster

JYU: people are capable of surviving an amazing amount of time on small amounts of food, though. I had a friend tell me about an ascetic monk he knew in India, who was skinny as fuck and survived for only two cups of milk a day for a years-long fasting period
WRITERMATT: There’s a Franz Kafka story called “The Hunger Artist” about a guy who would fast for weeks at a time, and kind of became a celebrity for doing it. At the end of his life, someone asks him why he had chosen that profession, and he answers, “I couldn’t find anything that I liked.”
BRAIN: I think Crumb illustrated that
WRITERMATT: That does seem like something he’d dig.
WRITERMATT: Also, retroactive “spoiler warning”
WRITERMATT: But I suppose nobody cares if I spoil the ending of a 90-year old Franz Kafka short story.

Hottest tyrant award

JYU: every day, I’m like seeing all these headines of shit going down in Syria, and after all this time, I still have no idea what’s actually happening there other than vaguely knowing that there’s some violence going on there, and also that the first lady is super hot.
BRAIN: who is the hottest tyrant: syria’s first lady, Queen Noor, or Jetsun Pema ?
JYU: Queen Rania [Noor], though the tyrant part is a bit more debatable for her
BRAIN: she’s the most superheroic of them for sure
JYU: Runner up would be Syria’s first lady, and a distant third would be Yingluck Shinawatra
BRAIN: Jetsun Pema is totally hotter than Yingluck Shinawatra

WRITERMATT: I’ve often wondered who would rule the world if international disputes were settled by the leaders just fighting each other.
JYU: Totally be Vladimir Putin if that was the case
JYU: like I said, In Soviet Russia, President assassinates YOU!
WRITERMATT: I would have thought that, but seeing him sing “Blueberry Hill” knocked him off the top spot, I think.
WRITERMATT: I don’t know who would win international leader beauty contests, though.
JYU: Real men wear pink.
BRAIN: that’s why we need Bill Clinton back because he could Jedi mind trick Putin into wearing a dress
PJ: I bet putin doesn’t need that much convincing given the right context…

WRITERMATT: I find Bill Clinton much less jolly since he lost weight.
BRAIN: yeah me too. Clinton’s fat is part of his superpower. He runs on corruption!
JYU: I suppose after the Queen croaks, Kate Middleton would deserve a place in the list
JYU: also the Queen of Monaco, who’s name I can’t recall at the moment
PJ: really?
PJ: I agree with the clinton thing
PJ: the Kate Middleton thing though… not so much
WRITERMATT: We have consensus! Someone send a message to Clinton to get back to those big macs.
PJ: he may be less charming, but I think he is willing to take that hit in order to be “alive”
PJ: I mean, he had like 4 heart attacks, didn’t he?
PJ: if he were any worse off, he’d be like Cheney, and replacing his heart with a sump pump for a couple years
WRITERMATT: Cheney is all robot, now.
PJ: more machine than man…
BRAIN: that is the price of greatness!

BRAIN: princess charlene of monaco was an olympic swimmer for south africa
JYU: Charlize Theron is from South Africa also
BRAIN: we should replace princess charlene with charlize theron as a super spy
JYU: makes me wonder what’s in the water down there
WRITERMATT: I’m on board with that.
PJ: “what’s in the water?” I’m going with “blood and hate”
BRAIN: so you are saying, jyu, that you are attracted to the members of Die Antwoord
NIKK: I fink you freeky, and I like it a lot.
BRAIN: beat boy, beat boy