A Pirate’s Life For Me

I just saw Pirates of the Carribean, the movie based on the ride. And, while there were parts that were a little stupid (Captain Sparrow insisting that he loves the theme song and wants to sing it over and over), it was for the most part like the ride made into a movie, except good. I liked it, anyway. The main characters had a high “who cares” value, but Johnny Depp was fuckin awesome. Just rad. And Geoffrey Rush as the villain was great too.

I’ve heard that Disney is making more of these “movies based on the ride” things- e.g. The Haunted Mansion– but you know what would be too awesome? A movie of It’s A Small World. A horror movie. The trailer would go something like:

TITLES: It’s a world of laughter
VISUAL: a carload of DRUNKEN TEENAGERS drives into a small town at night.

VOICEOVER: A world of tears
TEENAGED GIRL: (crying and hitting boyfriend) It’s YOUR fault we’re stuck here!

VOICEOVER: It’s a world of hopes…
BOYFRIEND #2 stares around him, in awe, in an abandoned cathedral. Sunlight streams through holes in the ceiling.
BOYFRIEND #2: What happened to this place?

VOICEOVER: … and a world of fears
Quick POV flash of one of the girls being attacked by something 2 feet tall

VOICEOVER: There’s so much that we share
GIRL is lost in the dark somewhere
GIRL: Jerry?

VOICEOVER: That it’s time we’re aware
GIRL and BOYFRIEND #1 clutch their sputtering candles with bloody rag-covered hands in the dark- a flash of lightning outside illuminates thousands of round-headed grinning dolls sloooooowly closing in on them.

VOICEOVER: it’s a small,
Jump cut of someone’s paniced eyes

Jump cut of about to get axed in the back

Camera rotates around REMAINING TEENAGERS as they frantically look around them- they are in a giant hall filled with laughing singing dolls- it is HELL.
DOLLS: Heehee hee hee!


There’s a Mariachi conert on public TV right now. I’m not a particular fan of mariachi, but it seems to me the real value of that genre, like accordion polka, is the sheer annoyance factor. You know:

You’re at a nice restaurant that serves $20 chicken mole with your date, you’re trying to make a good impression, and suddenly a giant guy in a ridiculously large sombrero and an acoustic bass guitar the size of a coffin screams joyfully “AH- HA HA HA!” and just as suddenly an entire band materializes around him, including trumpet players, blasting shrilly while you and your date confusedly try to “appreciate culture” and wonder when they’re going to leave. Or how about:

You’re studying for finals. You’ve got a massive hangover and this math or physics or whatever problem which was just on the edge of solvability last week in lecture now looks like it was written by space aliens, or in Chinese, or by Chinese space aliens. Juuuust as you think you might know at least which part of the book you should be reading, you hear the goofy baseline outside your window- it’s almost like the theme to “Jaws”- something is coming and you kind of know what it is, but aren’t really paying attention because of this studying thing- A trumpet blasts! you look outside and it turns out there is some wild drunken birthday party at the mostly-nonstudent apartment complex and yes, they have brought in an entire mariachi band. Aaargh!

BUT. In this case, the concert was just… sterile. The players are all in their Mexican finery (dark suits with the white lace stitched on), playing for a mostly white audience, who I am certain are not drunk off their asses. The band members are all safely far away from the crowd, behind microphones. It’s like an exhibit of stuffed tigers. Usually when you hear this music it’s either “oh my god I wish they’d go away” or “wooo! WOOOO! I’m TOTALLY DRUNK OFF MY ASS! Where is my top? There’s a video camera! Wooooo! This is the best MTV Spring Break Ever!!!” But here it’s more like “Oh how quaint! Look at the brown people! I hope you’re enjoying this Tricia, these tickets were expensive. Oh dear me, you aren’t going to drink that red with the FISH are you?”