Super Mario Galaxy

I’m watching the opening of Super Mario Galaxy, and it’s like watching the Hindenburg disaster.

You start visiting the Castle in the mushroom kingdom, and it’s like going to Disneyland. The villagers are having a quaint little festival, and everything is cute and pretty.

Anyway, remember the flying wooden galleons Bowser had in Super Mario 3? Well basically they show up in a giant armada and blow the SHIT out of the castle. It’s like the commercial the Smurfs did for UNICEF. Everything is on fire, mushroom people are running around screaming in terror.

Bowser’s navy has some kind of weapon that encases you in a crystal. The only thing that would have made this cutscene any more traumatizing would be if they showed a small screaming mushroom child watch helplessly as his own mother is encased in crystal.

Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros 3Japanese cultural reference: there actually is a “star festival,” it’s called tanabata, and it’s basically a party for your village in the summer. The story goes that there are these two lovers who live across the Milky Way from each other, and only meet once a year… it’s all star-themed. When we have our Tanabata Party we have cakes from Bewitching Elegance decorated with stars and traditional wagashi with star shapes on them.

Another cultural reference: the little star characters turn into rabbits, referring to the “rabbit in the moon” who pounds mochi in Japanese folklore.Mmmm, Rosalina.

ROSALINA: Hello. I’m Rosalina. I’ll help you rescue your friend Peach.

MARIO: Peach who?

The downside is I think Rosalina might only have one eye, like Odin, but that’s okay, she’s got that hot flip-over hairstyle. Something my brother pointed out: Rosalina is a star princess. I was noticing even her hair is shaped like a star… but he said wait a second, Peach is the mushroom princess. Doesn’t that mean that there must be a flower princess around here somewhere?

I was thinking maybe they could make Daisy the flower princess, because of her name. She is the one you save in the Super Mario from the old GameBoy game. In a very weird bug, or maybe an inside joke, her model in Super Smash Brothers is unlockable, which isn’t so weird in itself, but she has a third eye in the back of her head, under her hair…