Category: stardate

MARIE: What do you think of the new Lana Del Ray album?
BRAIN: I like it
BRAIN: I think the indie press is cottoning to the fact that she’s not a real person
BRAIN: I’m like yes… can we move on now?
BRAIN: it’s been 2 years
MARIE: she was pretty clearly not a real person this whole time
BRAIN: it’s like trying to figure out why Humpty Hump has a weird nose

MARIE: she’s been giving some scary depressing interviews
BRAIN: what interviews has LDR given?
BRAIN: seems… ill advised
MARIE: this was the big one, I think

Lana Del Rey: ‘I wish I was dead already’

BRAIN: she’s right though, she’d be better off extinguished
BRAIN: more lucrative

BRAIN: maybe she and the company should stage her death
MARIE: I think she needs a bit more of a back catalog before she maxes out on that
MARIE: three albums
BRAIN: yeah maybe, but remember 2Pac released a bunch after he was dead
BRAIN: this will be much easier since she won’t really be dead

WILL: oh good lord
WILL: new jargon which really kind of makes me want to vomit:
WILL: “hi-pri”
WILL: FFFFFUUUUUU
T: what does that mean?
MARK: I can only assume that’s short for “hippy princess”
J2: hippo privates

WILL: high priority
WILL: as in, “hey this issue is really hi-pri when can you fix it?”
J2: did you vom on said person
SCOTT: i don’t even know what to say to this
SCOTT: Sometimes I feel like i’m stuck in the movie They Live

JILLIAN: watch video without sound unless you like country music
BRAIN: notice that goat was essentially stolen from his previous owner
JILLIAN: i’m fine with removing animals from hoardes
JILLIAN: *hoarders
JILLIAN: also hordes though; zombies and goats should not be housed together

BRAIN: it’s nice they placed the goat instead of say… making him into burritos
MARK: same with the donkey – glad he didn’t end up as a burroito
BRAIN: what useful thing can you make out of an old burro?
MARK: probably not food, I hear they taste like ass
BRAIN: *rimshot*

GREG: this thing sucks
GREG: the woman who gave it to me in the elevator said it was a new flavor
GREG: if I see her again I’m gonna tell her “that cookie sucked ass!”

LISA: wait you took food from a stranger?!
GREG: and now I’m eating it!
BRAIN: it totally has mescaline in it!
GREG: YOLO!

BRAIN: and rat poison!
GREG: YOLO!!!!

BRAIN: didn’t you read the poison meatballs are back!?
BRAIN: we’re gonna have to take you to the vet
GREG: if eating meatballs off the ground is wrong, I don’t wanna be right

MARIE: omg
MARIE: Lisa is eating ice cream directly out of the tub… with a fork
WILLIAM: at least she’s graduated from her universal chopsticks

JILLIAN: oh man, remember the food concoctions she would make?
JILLIAN: bowls of so many weird combinations
JILLIAN: and the chopsticks

BRIAN: did any one write them down? This could be a cookbook
BRIAN: I’m pretty serious, people love insane cookbooks, and she always eats healthy food
SCOTT: “cook” book
SCOTT: we should not be mean to Lisa
WILL: my favorite lisa recipe is
WILL: 1. put some flour in a bowl,
WILL: 2. put some water in that bowl,
WILL: 3. stir

BRIAN: woah
SCOTT: I don’t think what Will just said counts as… healthy
BRIAN: …maybe if you only eat a tiny bit of it?
WILL: throw some protein powder in there and you could get prettty swole off of such a concoction

BRIAN: Lisa confirmed that was a real recipe of hers
LISA (paraphrased): I was in college, and I wanted to make pancakes. So I thought, why not take all the ingredients of pancakes, and put them in the microwave?
Then I thought, I don’t really need all these ingredients…

BRAIN: if you put that on a triangular plate and charge $50 for it you may have something

MARIE: this is a cough drop
MARIE: ow my nose hurts
BRAIN: intense isn’t it
BRAIN: the gum was worse believe it or not

MARIE: why would you pay money for this?
BRAIN: because it was black and gum and Japanese and contraband in high school
BRAIN: of course I no longer have that last excuse

MARIE: this is terrible
BRAIN: it’s an experience!
JOSH: sounds like a bad experience!
BRAIN: it’s character building!
JOSH: everything character-building is definitely a bad experience

MARIE: the things that you give me to eat are sometimes good
MARIE: always weird
BRAIN: we are explorers of the outer regions of experience!!
MARIE: ow

WILLIAM: I said this earlier but we’re about an hour away from epoch time 1400000000

BRAIN: $ date +%s
…

BROWN: well, that was exciting.
BRAIN: everything is different now

WILL: i’m nostalgic for the 1300000000s
BRAIN: yeah the music was so much more authentic then
WILL: *plans epic 1300000000s dance party*

WILL: this UK client puts salutations and stuff in the customer communicatinos
WILL: so the greetings are all like “Hello, MR. NIGEL FEATHERBOTTOMINGTON III ESQ OF THE FEATHERBOTTOMINGTON MANOR AND ESTATES AND PIP PIP CHEERIO WITH THE CRUMPETS”
J2: will can you please go be a writer for downton abbey

J2: you’re really wasting your talents here
WILL: i’ve never watched the show but i imagine it is exactly like that

WILL: “oh nigel, this marmite is simply smashing you must tell me which foodsellery you shimmyshammied it from” “righto, penelope. i dipdapped it from old barrister miserington down by the cobblers last fortnight”
MARIE: I mean, that is basically Jeeves & Wooster.

M: huh, we are gonna have a bunch of clients in the office tomorrow
J: i should WFH
M: ‘yes, we heard you were coming, so we had our most grumpy engineers work from home’
J: s/most grumpy engineers/engineers who have done work for any of you/
W: does this mean we should cancel wear-nothing-wednesday?
J: no, just pretend we are wearing clothes and they are the only ones who notice

ELENA: feeling like death… must make it to 5
ELENA: soooo close
ELENA: I should have taken a sick day
ELENA: but my plan is to go drink with friends at 5 and work is closer than my house
ELENA: I’ll be sure to order a NyQuil margarita
BROWN: you’re a machine.
MARIE: sounds healthy

BRAIN: that’s a terrible idea
BRAIN: a mojito would be a much better adaptation
BRAIN: use the mint one
ELENA: this is why we haven’t fired you yet brain
BRAIN: NyQuil mixology is just an added perk

BRAIN: ok I got it: Tequila Sunrise (use the cherry flavored NyQuil)
BRAIN: the volume is actually identical to the grenadine
BRAIN: and the OJ would mostly cover the medicinal taste
BRAIN: well and the tequila

ELENA: I’m pretty sure I’ll be kicked out of the bar for mixing NyQuil in my drink
ELENA: and my friends may think I have a serious substance abuse problem
BRAIN: sheeyah
ELENA: I’ll be sure to let you know how the intervention goes

BRAIN: that would be a pretty lame bar that kicks someone out based on their drink choices
BRAIN: you can shout “I thought this was America!”
ELENA: ‘Murica