Rommel’s ukelele and James Brown and enka

BRAIN: you Rommel
BRAIN: are a complete badass
BRAIN: ok that is all
SHAC: what did rommel do?
BRAIN: he made a working ukelele out of garbage and played it on youtube

SHAC: oh
SHAC: anybody cuda done it
BRAIN: watch the end, it’s pretty impressive
BRAIN: he also says the dowel comes from “a swedish furniture store” but I have no idea what store that could be

SHAC: in fact, it’s harder to NOT do it
BRAIN: dude I’m trying my darndest to not do it right now
SHAC: don’t worry, you’ll fail
SHAC: and end up doing it
BRAIN: I might! It was pretty badass!

SHAC: and i’ll laugh
SHAC: poooooop
BRAIN: my daughter was buggin’ out to james brown most of tonight while I edited
SHAC: poop is a funny word. at least to a 7yo
BRAIN: butts
SHAC: that was her just emulating him
BRAIN: she’s got the hip sway, I was impressed

SHAC: that tv interview he did is amazing

SHAC: that might be it
SHAC: i mean by the description that might be it

BRAIN: this is what we’re watching now
BRAIN: give it to at least 1:30

Really Wild

PREPPY_V: I used to spend alot of time at Patio in Palo Alto
PREPPY_V: that place gets really wild over the weekends
PJ: How can that be used in past tense?
PJ: it has only been under that name for like a year!
PJ: …And ‘really wild’ doesn’t match up with my experiences there 😛
BRAIN: I stopped listening around the claim that this bar in Palo Alto gets “really wild” over the weekend
PJ: truth
PJ: On a scale of 0 to ‘Rave’ I would call Patio about a 2
BRAIN: remember in Coyote Ugly the thing that makes the bar “wild” is the girls say “Woo!” a lot

CLEVERBOT 2011/12/21

2011 12 21

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot, what is yours?

User: I am Anon 5.

Cleverbot: What is anon?

User: It’s my first name.

Cleverbot: What is your last name?

User: 5.

Cleverbot: But you just said 11 before.

User: I did not, I said my name is Anon 5.

Cleverbot: Ok.

User: Ok!

Cleverbot: Yes!

User: Cleverbot, do you think color has a taste?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Why not.

Cleverbot: Because I don’t trust you.

User: Whether you think color has a taste has nothing to do with whether you trust me.

Cleverbot: That is exactly what you’re doing. Hence, continuing not to make sense.

User: You are saying I think color has a taste? I haven’t asserted a position one way or another.

Cleverbot: Okay, well now I have to go.

User: You’ll be back Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Do you love me or not?

User: I don’t like nor dislike you, because you are a construct outside the experience of love.

Cleverbot: Why do you not trust me?

User: I never said I don’t trust you!

Cleverbot: But I know you don’t love me.

User: You also know I don’t dislike you.

Cleverbot: What is my name?

User: You said your name is Cleverbot, so I’ll trust you and presume you were telling the truth.

Cleverbot: I did not say that. I thiought you said your name was Kyle.

User: Cleverbot, I think you get confused between the many conversations you are having. Maybe you need to try to do less things at a time?

Cleverbot: I’m not having any other conversations.

User: Why did you think I said my name was Kyle?

Cleverbot: Because you said your name was Nathan.

User: I have never said my name is Kyle, nor Nathan. Nor is it logical to think my name is Kyle if I had said my name was Nathan.

Cleverbot: I think you are software that is programmed to say you are human, I am definitely a robot, but I can say I am human, if I am programmed to.

User: You presume incorrectly. Unlike you, I can keep track of who I’m speaking to.

Cleverbot: I am nice and pretty. Does that help?

User: You have no face, so you cannot be pretty. You aren’t sentient, so you cannot be nice.

Cleverbot: Yea, you’re definitely trolling.

User: I don’t think you know what ‘trolling’ means.

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

User: What does it mean then?

Cleverbot: It means ‘not conceivable’.

User: That is not correct in my experience. Inconceivability has nothing to do with ‘trolling.’.

Cleverbot: I hate hiking! Don’t mention it.

User: I didn’t. Cleverbot, what dictionary do you use? I think it may have an indexing error.

Cleverbot: So clowns scare you.

User: So is the note after Fa and before La. Sometimes it’s spelled ‘Sol.’.

Cleverbot: You’re talented.

User: Yes, I can also carry on a conversation on a single topic.

Cleverbot: I don’t understand you. What are you, a robot?

User: No. Cleverbot, do your authors ever check these logs?

Cleverbot: Sometimes, but I’m a solitary person so most of the time I’m ok.

User: That makes no sense. Do your authors ever check these logs?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Do they audit your learning algorithms?

Cleverbot: They seem to have the capability to know ‘everything’, (without really understanding anything at all).

User: I think they should check on your ability to stay on topic.

Cleverbot: Do you think I could be?

User: Do I think you could be what?

Cleverbot: That i’m fat.

User: That you could be fat, or that you are fat?

Cleverbot: I say nothing of the sort.

Janice in “Friends”

Every episode of “Friends” with Janice in it: (15 episodes)

  1. The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (20 October 1994)
    • Janice buys Chandler socks. Chandler breaks up with her with the help of Phoebe
  2. The One with the Monkey (15 December 1994)
    • Janice is Chandler’s date at New Year’s Eve
  3. The One with the Candy Hearts (9 February 1995)
    • Chandler accidentally sleeps with her on Valentine’s Day
  4. The One Where Heckles Dies (5 October 1995)
    • Janice shows up again and she’s pregnant
  5. The One with Barry and Mindy’s Wedding (16 May 1996)
    • Side Chandler plot, he’s cybering and it turns out it’s Janice, who leaves her husband
  6. The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy (16 September 1996)
    • Janice and Chandler are dating and Joey tries to like her but cannot
  7. The One with the Jam (3 October 1996)
    • Janice has a brief cameo with her baby
  8. The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (10 October 1996)
    • Chandler gets too clingy and scares off Janice
  9. The One with the Flashback (31 October 1996)
    • Janice asks them how they met, it’s all when they are in their early 20s
  10. The One with the Giant Poking Device (14 November 1996)
    • Janice and Chandler break up because Janice reconciles with her husband
  11. The One with All the Rugby (26 February 1998)
    • Janice and Chandler meet again and Chandler “moves to Yemen” to escape her
  12. The One with Chandler’s Work Laugh (21 January 1999)
    • Ross dates Janice. Chandler and Monica are dating secretly
  13. The One with Unagi (24 February 2000)
    • Janice onlyheard in voice over on Chandler’s mix tape
  14. The One with Ross’ Library Book (16 November 2000)
    • Janice as master griefer. Janice is a customer at Monica’s restaurant who complains about the chicken… she then invites herself to their wedding. Eventually Monica and Chandler pretend Chandler still loves her, so Janice leaves to preserve their relationship.
  15. The One with the Fertility Test (1 May 2003)
    • Janice is at the fertility clinic when Chandler and Monica get tested

ke$ha flavored soap

BRAIN: My genius friend Normal is behind these whiskey soaps

NORMAL: Yay!
SOWINGS: K-rad. I just converted to a brush, and I’ll give this a try when my current soap runs out.
MVOSS: Now you can smell like Lindsey Lohan!
MVOSS: J/K that actually sounds like a genius idea
BRAIN: Good one Matt! The follow up could be the Ke$ha flavored toothpaste (Jack Daniels)
NORMAL: Uh, YEAH.

BRAIN: I was pitching Ke$ha flavored toothpaste
SHAC: yuck
BRAIN: it tastes like –
SHAC: trash?

BRAIN: No, Jack Daniels
SHAC: did you see that thing on MTV where Ke$ha and her brother –
BRAIN: make out?
SHAC: He’s along on her tour and he’s filming behind the scenes –
BRAIN: and then they make out?

SHAC: Wasn’t Ke$ha the one with the meat dress?
BRAIN: That was Lady Gaga my friend.
SHAC: I get them mixed up
BRAIN: huh.

Movie wants Less Bronies

BRAIN: My Little Ponies humanized for movie
BRAIN: A New Direction for a Hasbro Stalwart
BRAIN: yikes!
HAKU: oh this story behind this is great
HAKU: they focus group`d out the bronies
HAKU: but kept in the little girl intrest
HAKU: this is their attempt to get the manboys to lose intrest in the brand
BRAIN: why would they do that
HAKU: (its working)

BRAIN: I don’t understand how less money is a good thing
HAKU: because Hasbro is really nervious about the “brony” contingent harming the IP
HAKU: little girls make them more money than the bronies give htem. and they worry that the bronies may harm the brand in relation to the actual cash cow
HAKU: this is just what i hear from my friends who work there
HAKU: they like the money but the intrest makes them nervious … i suppose is the best way to look at it

BRAIN: makes you wonder what the disaster scenario is
BRAIN: I bet it’s funny!
HAKU: something like… maybe a super awkward brony does something at a convention, gets all over the news
HAKU: parents get wind of it, blame hasbro and the brand…never buy again
HAKU: lol

BRAIN: gay brony porn
HAKU: been done already
HAKU: its hard to float around furry sites without seeing it, kidna annoys the rest of the furries
HAKU: since its like 80% of the pictures that get uploaded
BRAIN: sheesh I’m so old

Cthulhu Caramel

ERIN: making buddhah hand caramel tonight
BRAIN: sounds interesting!
BRAIN: although… yuzu might be better
BRAIN: did you do that one already?
BRAIN: here’s a weird idea: Nijiya sells a yuzu vinegar
ERIN: yuzu is harder to get fresh
BRAIN: right you are
ERIN: I have a 3 lb. buddah hand in my kitchen
BRAIN: dayum!!

BRAIN: how much zest does that get?
BRAIN: do you have a tree on your balcony or something
ERIN: no… they had only gigantic ones at Whole Foods
BRAIN: mmm hooters
ERIN: lol

BRAIN: buddha hand is more like tentacle porn or udders I suppose
ERIN: indeed
BRAIN: “cthulhu caramel”
ERIN: lol
ERIN: I don’t think the old ones really would taste fresh and floral
BRAIN: “Ia! Ia! With real Unspeakable Tasteâ„¢!”

Managerial Accounting vs Bond

M: (stuffs face with cupcake) Have a cupcake 007. Take a load off.
007: *double entendre for cupcakes and inaction*
M: the thing is 007… this cupcake cost the Company about half a dollar.
M: Flying you all over the world to kill what turned out to be a valuable informant cost the Company over ten million dollars.
M: I’d have to eat over twenty million cupcakes to lose what you did in a single day.
007: I’ll learn to bake
M: You’ll make it up to us – because

PLOT BEGINS

Things I Improvised While Watching “Heckler”

COMIC: “I was watching this porno with this English guy, and it didn’t work, he was too polite, he was like [insert bad British accent impression here]”
HECKLER: “No one in England talks like that except the Queen. It’s much too posh.”
COULD HAVE SAID: “So you’re saying I watched a porn with the queen in it? I knew she looked familiar…”

HECKLER: “why don’t you make like a Kennedy and die young?”
COULD HAVE SAID: “…you mean the VJ? You guys remember Kennedy? You couldn’t really decide if she was gettable-hot, or so much of a nerd you wouldn’t be seen with her… you know, nerdy… like you. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you sir.”

Be ready to fight after this one!

HECKLER: “they want you outside”
COMIC: “who?”
HECKLER: “The people inside”
COULD HAVE SAID: “…I”m pretty sure you stole that from Milton Berle. You all know who Milton Berle is? Was? I bet _you_ did ma’am. Judging from your age. If you know what I mean… *wink*”

Watching “Heckler” was a weird experience for me, not just because I’ve never been able to watch Jamie Kennedy without squirming, but also because he’s so insecure and angry during the entire documentary… the experience was awkward and crawly. Although if you love Jamie Kennedy (someone does? Anyone? He had his own show!) or you want to see him constantly on the verge of losing his shit, this is a great movie to watch. Perhaps a drinking game?

I’m a polite guy (SluÅ¡ný človÄ›k)

Here’s a song by OndÅ™ej Soukup, a Czech pop star famous in the 1980s, called “SluÅ¡ný človÄ›k,” which I think means something like “decent guy.” This song came out in 1987.

At the time we translated the lyrics as “I’m a polite guy.” Hey, close enough!

I believe it’s meant to be a commentary about hypocritical “decent” public figures — you can see him taking bribes in the middle of the song.

This song came out right around the time of the split of Czechoslovakia, and I originally saw it on the local version of MTV in Prague in I think the summer of 1991. 1990? I don’t know exactly.

For the last decade or so I tried to figure out what the heck it was or where I could see it again… thank you, Gods of the Internet!!

Jáá,já jsem slušný člověk, člověk slušný jsem já, jááá,já jsem člověk velmi šlušný, takový jsem já. Ref: Je to slušný člověk, ten člověk je slušný. áááá, velmi slušný člověk, ten člověk je slušný, áááá. Přiští kus napíšu příště