Category: stardate

Isn’t there a kind of martial art designed for fighting someone you are having sex with?  Seems like there should be…How about:

First it was started by Chinese courtesans and lady assassins, and the art made its way to Japan in the early Edo period. 

It was eventually adopted by the bondage community, and it became a sort of sport- the idea to bring your partner pleasure while engaged in combat.  Sort of a new, ultra-violent kind of dominant tiger sex… scary. 

What is really funny is when furries accidentally schedule dates with the practitioners of this Art, mistaking all the animal imagery in the names of the grapples and strikes for cute fuzzy animal flirting… traumatic experiences ensue.

I’m watching the opening of Super Mario Galaxy, and it’s like watching the Hindenburg disaster.

You start visiting the Castle in the mushroom kingdom, and it’s like going to Disneyland. The villagers are having a quaint little festival, and everything is cute and pretty.

Anyway, remember the flying wooden galleons Bowser had in Super Mario 3? Well basically they show up in a giant armada and blow the SHIT out of the castle. It’s like the commercial the Smurfs did for UNICEF. Everything is on fire, mushroom people are running around screaming in terror.

Bowser’s navy has some kind of weapon that encases you in a crystal. The only thing that would have made this cutscene any more traumatizing would be if they showed a small screaming mushroom child watch helplessly as his own mother is encased in crystal.

Japanese cultural reference: there actually is a “star festival,” it’s called tanabata, and it’s basically a party for your village in the summer. The story goes that there are these two lovers who live across the Milky Way from each other, and only meet once a year… it’s all star-themed. When we have our Tanabata Party we have cakes from Bewitching Elegance decorated with stars and traditional wagashi with star shapes on them.

Another cultural reference: the little star characters turn into rabbits, referring to the “rabbit in the moon” who pounds mochi in Japanese folklore.Mmmm, Rosalina.

ROSALINA: Hello. I’m Rosalina. I’ll help you rescue your friend Peach.

MARIO: Peach who?

The downside is I think Rosalina might only have one eye, like Odin, but that’s okay, she’s got that hot flip-over hairstyle. Something my brother pointed out: Rosalina is a star princess. I was noticing even her hair is shaped like a star… but he said wait a second, Peach is the mushroom princess. Doesn’t that mean that there must be a flower princess around here somewhere?

I was thinking maybe they could make Daisy the flower princess, because of her name. She is the one you save in the Super Mario from the old GameBoy game. In a very weird bug, or maybe an inside joke, her model in Super Smash Brothers is unlockable, which isn’t so weird in itself, but she has a third eye in the back of her head, under her hair…

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” the 26-year-old socialite was quoted as saying by the World Entertainment News Network’s Web site. 

 

Call me insensitive, but somehow this doesn’t seem to be a real serious problem to center a charity around… Maybe all the real charities told Paris to piss off?

But what’re you gonna do? The elephant says “gimme another Bud, you tiny liddle sunuvabitshh… I’ll stomp yer hairlesssss monkey ass… flat. FLAT!” And you say “uh sir I think you’ve had enough…”

ERICH: There should be an indian beer company that uses this to their marketing advantage
BRAIN: yeah their emblem can be an elephant stepping on Paris’ head
BRAIN: while brandishing an empty beer bottle

There should be a salon around Hayward called Cheveux Chabot

Damn, what a soap opera this Reiser thing is turning out to be- not only does it read like a Murderer’s Guide To Yuppie/Hipster Life in the East Bay :

Palmer, an artist who was at the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert when police say her son killed Nina
…
Prosecutor Hora showed jurors pictures of the Berkeley Bowl groceries found
in Nina Reiser’s van.

… but it also has an all-star cast:

• The Prosecutor is from the Sausage King trial, on which, incidentally, my friend Steve narrowly avoided jury duty… Summary: family business making great sausage falls behind the times and is required to update entire factory or close due to new cooking temperature regulations. Oh wait, there is a third option– shoot the health inspectors. Yeah unfortunately that really happened. Who knew the FDA would need bulletproof vests?
• The Defense is from the Gwen Araujo trial. Summary: That girl is hot. Oh, actually that’s a guy. Let’s kill her! The murderers only got 6 years in jail, likely only 3. As if that’s not horrific enough, Fred Phelps of “God Hates Fags” fame picketed Gwen’s funeral. What a classy guy. Phelps was just sued for $11M; hopefully that is just the first successful judgement.
• The Judge is from this awesome case where a
  

  former couple sent to Death Row in 2002 for luring a Pleasanton student into a specially rigged van where they sexually tortured and strangled her before dumping her body on a snowy embankment.

It’s no dog mauling case, but it’s still totally Tom Wolfe over here. Sooo….

LILA: gotta love a murder trial w/o any body
LEWIS: what ever happened to the claims about her boyfriend being a serial killer?
BRAIN: so wait what happened to her body then?
LILA: they never found her
LEWIS: the circumstantial evidence seems pretty damning
CHIA: did they ever find scott peterson’s wife?
ERIC: yeah, she washed up by the richmond costco.
CHIA: nasty
ERIC: well, most of her, anyway.

Wot Chaos lead’ toward’ our benifit– ‘t’would b’folly to put to Order

Yay time before Dictionaries

LULU: really into ANTM reruns now
BRAIN: ugh, don’t waste your life like that… wait, what is ANTM?
LULU: heh…America’s Next Top Model
LULU: it’s great to watch back-to-back with Biggest Loser
BRAIN: oh my
LULU: watching the fat people get thin is like watching a car wreck in reverse.
BRAIN: wow. emminently quotable
LULU: i just came up with it too. it’s good, huh?
BRAIN: write that one down
LULU: well, i guess i sorta did
BRAIN: sorta!
LULU: you can use it in a script, iffin’ you wanna
BRAIN: I restarted my blog so I’ll cram it in that
LULU: oh good! i’m glad to know i’ll be a published author

BRAIN: looks like the new Mail.app eliminates the need for Omni whatever
ASPO: yeah, the new todolist stuff seems pretty awesome
BRAIN: the Apple demos were all apparently filmed on the planet GATTACA
SHAC: i used Omni focus for a couple weeks then stopped because it was insulting
BRAIN: how is OmniFocus “insulting”
SHAC: “you’re so disorganized and have so much crap to do….. this is how bad it looks….”
SHAC: it should have just gone ahead and played a wav of nelson going AH HAH!

BRAIN: were Leopard “stacks” the same as that UI project a few years ago where there were these
little piles of files?
RAND: yeah I think so. “piles” was obviously not a good marketing name

I’m watching the Leopard demo and it’s like watching a hypothetical sequel to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where everyone is now a pod person. Everyone in the Apple universe wears a featureless black turtleneck, regardless of age, ethnicity or gender, and generally lives in a featureless white room with no walls, like THX 1138.

They look like they all go to the same tailor on Planet GATTACA. Or they are escapees from a Disney ride; everyone has calm, plastic smiles, very overprofessional. Although if it was a Disney ride it would be called something like The GATTACA Experience.

This feeling is pervasive in the human side of the Apple Experience. I own a lot of Apple products so… If you call product support, you are answered by a computer, as is pretty standard. But Apple’s voice is ripped out of some undead SF hipster they froze into undead servitude for all of eternity. Example:

MR. APPLE: Hello. Welcome to Apple Computer. etc etc. Please say the name of the product you are calling about.
BRAIN: iPod.
*aside* at this point, the interface would usually route you to the iPod department. But no, not Apple:
MR. APPLE: Okay. I think you said, “iPod.”

It’s this overly friendly, compliant tone of voice that gives me the creeps. “Okay. I think you said–“

Today’s phrase is “I’m sick of your ridiculous Emo bullshit”