Category: stardate

BRAIN: hey dude, look at this building, which is the prime minister’s house apparently
BRAIN: now look at it on a map
BRAIN: is that right next to the restaurant we ate at
BRAIN: where we got a seating at 7pm but “we had to be out by 9pm” or something insane?
BRAIN: Like we didn’t have a reservation,
BRAIN: so they said sorry, we can’t serve you,
BRAIN: but the place was empty…
BRAIN: so they said okay you can eat here but you have to only take 2 hours to eat?

KIRBY: Yea I think so.
KIRBY: What makes this extra funny
KIRBY: is that the PM’s house is about a block away from where we got pulled over by the cops

KIRA: Writing must never be without a sense of irony. What the hell kind of Gods would we be if everything we created was predictable? 8)

A weird principle I stand by: I must be able to stand by my decisions if I were confronted by my creations when they die.

I figure it’s kind of the Golden Rule.

JYU: Two plane hijackers ‘beaten to death by passengers’ in China
MEAN_ROGER: yeah, in a post 9-11 world plane hijacking isn’t really a thing, cause everyone on the plane will fight to the death now.
JYU: yeah, but even faced with death, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have the courage to be the first guy lunging forth to tackle a knife-armed terrorist
BRAIN: don’t worry jyu. the action hero can just use you as a shield
DAVE: with all the available carry on crates, you can just throw those in front of you
DAVE: if you learn NOTHING ELSE from Jackie Chan, learn that

BRAIN: I need to open a breatharean restaurant
JYU: you’re going to sell 5-dimensional Diet Coke?
BRAIN: yes, that is why it costs more than regular Diet Coke

JYU: You’d probably do better by selling oxygen-enhanced air at a markup
BRAIN: “that too has already happened” –Number_2 from Austin Powers

WRITERMATT: Do breathareans still exist? It seems like they’d die within 3 days of adopting that diet.
BRAIN: there’s a lot of people who claim to be breathareans
BRAIN: for some reason when they have a lot of observers something goes wrong
JYU: I’m only a partial practioner, because I only practice breatharianism between breakfast and lunch.
BRAIN: Jasmuheen is probably the most obvious breatharean hoaxster

JYU: people are capable of surviving an amazing amount of time on small amounts of food, though. I had a friend tell me about an ascetic monk he knew in India, who was skinny as fuck and survived for only two cups of milk a day for a years-long fasting period
WRITERMATT: There’s a Franz Kafka story called “The Hunger Artist” about a guy who would fast for weeks at a time, and kind of became a celebrity for doing it. At the end of his life, someone asks him why he had chosen that profession, and he answers, “I couldn’t find anything that I liked.”
BRAIN: I think Crumb illustrated that
WRITERMATT: That does seem like something he’d dig.
WRITERMATT: Also, retroactive “spoiler warning”
WRITERMATT: But I suppose nobody cares if I spoil the ending of a 90-year old Franz Kafka short story.

JYU: every day, I’m like seeing all these headines of shit going down in Syria, and after all this time, I still have no idea what’s actually happening there other than vaguely knowing that there’s some violence going on there, and also that the first lady is super hot.
BRAIN: who is the hottest tyrant: syria’s first lady, Queen Noor, or Jetsun Pema ?
JYU: Queen Rania [Noor], though the tyrant part is a bit more debatable for her
BRAIN: she’s the most superheroic of them for sure
JYU: Runner up would be Syria’s first lady, and a distant third would be Yingluck Shinawatra
BRAIN: Jetsun Pema is totally hotter than Yingluck Shinawatra

WRITERMATT: I’ve often wondered who would rule the world if international disputes were settled by the leaders just fighting each other.
JYU: Totally be Vladimir Putin if that was the case
JYU: like I said, In Soviet Russia, President assassinates YOU!
WRITERMATT: I would have thought that, but seeing him sing “Blueberry Hill” knocked him off the top spot, I think.
WRITERMATT: I don’t know who would win international leader beauty contests, though.
JYU: Real men wear pink.
BRAIN: that’s why we need Bill Clinton back because he could Jedi mind trick Putin into wearing a dress
PJ: I bet putin doesn’t need that much convincing given the right context…

WRITERMATT: I find Bill Clinton much less jolly since he lost weight.
BRAIN: yeah me too. Clinton’s fat is part of his superpower. He runs on corruption!
JYU: I suppose after the Queen croaks, Kate Middleton would deserve a place in the list
JYU: also the Queen of Monaco, who’s name I can’t recall at the moment
PJ: really?
PJ: I agree with the clinton thing
PJ: the Kate Middleton thing though… not so much
WRITERMATT: We have consensus! Someone send a message to Clinton to get back to those big macs.
PJ: he may be less charming, but I think he is willing to take that hit in order to be “alive”
PJ: I mean, he had like 4 heart attacks, didn’t he?
PJ: if he were any worse off, he’d be like Cheney, and replacing his heart with a sump pump for a couple years
WRITERMATT: Cheney is all robot, now.
PJ: more machine than man…
BRAIN: that is the price of greatness!

BRAIN: princess charlene of monaco was an olympic swimmer for south africa
JYU: Charlize Theron is from South Africa also
BRAIN: we should replace princess charlene with charlize theron as a super spy
JYU: makes me wonder what’s in the water down there
WRITERMATT: I’m on board with that.
PJ: “what’s in the water?” I’m going with “blood and hate”
BRAIN: so you are saying, jyu, that you are attracted to the members of Die Antwoord
NIKK: I fink you freeky, and I like it a lot.
BRAIN: beat boy, beat boy

conservative radio host Michael Savage believes that Chief Justice Roberts sided with the Liberal Wing of the Supreme Court on the health care bill because he was high on anti-seizure medication he takes to deal with his Epilepsy….

WRITERMATT: Man, I want some of that anti-seizure medication. It sounds awesome.
BRAIN: brought to you by Rockstar!
PJ: and THAT’S why I don’t drink rockstar anymore
BRAIN: me too
BRAIN: plus it tastes like berry flavored ralf

WRITERMATT: I just got a kick out of walking over to Molly and Andrea’s cubes with a grammar question and saying, “Docs team: assemble!”
DAVE: “We’re having a linguistic emergency! Only you can save us!”
BRAIN: tell me when you guys make the firezord

PJ: firezord?
PJ: is that a power rangers reference?
JYU: yes, on the new season, Power Rangers Earth, there’s a firezord, earthzord, waterzord, airzord, and a heartzord, and they call combine to make Captainplanetzord!

WRITERMATT: The guy with the “heart” power was clearly the lamest of the Planeteers, and they were all pretty lame.
WRITERMATT: Were they actually the Planeteers? That’s how I remember it, but that name is incredibly stupid.
BRAIN: you think that as a child, but as an adult if you think about it, he had the most dangerous power
BRAIN: that little kid could use his ring to convince everyone to make him president if he wanted
BRAIN: he’s the antichrist

WRITERMATT: Is that really what his ring could do? I thought it just made animals not eat him.
BRAIN: it was an empathy ring
BRAIN: even if it only worked on animals, used for evil, he could have caused a famine
BRAIN: or wiped out all meat production
WRITERMATT: I bet there’s a dark, gritty Captain Planet fanfic out there where the scenario you describe happens.

PJ: OR he could have a pack of wolves following him and committing atrocity by his very whim
BRAIN: he could have ordered all the zebra mussels in the world to simultaneously plug all the intake vents of all the nuclear reactors in the world, causing a nuclear catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions
BRAIN: or given everyone in america avian flu
WRITERMATT: This sounds way better than the show actually was.
PJ: and then he’d be able to build an army of giant irradiated scorpions to fight off any other would-be post-apocalyptic warlords and become king of the world
JYU: except Japan would be saved by Godzilla
BRAIN: yeah maybe that little kid grows up to be Khan from Star Trek
PJ: HOLY SHIT!
WRITERMATT: Mind = blown.

PJ: brain, I think you may have just spoiled the plot for Star Trek Lensflare 2: Lensflare-er
JYU: J J Abrams is just one of those people who goes through the effort to put 32 pieces of flare into his movies.
BRAIN: Star Trek: Tchotchkey’s
PJ: We’ll THINK that Sherlock Khan is the villian, until he summons forth Captain Planet, and the crew of the enterprise is forced to destroy the defender of the environment…

GARY: Women should look like women; not 14 year old boys.
GARY: Curves: Sexy
GARY: Shrink-wrapped skeleton: Not Sexy
GARY: Any questions?
BRAIN: spoken like someone who has never banged a shrink-wrapped skeleton
LISA: Thank you, Gary!
GARY: Not my type, Brian. I like a meaty woman.
GARY: You have fun with those sharp edges, though
BRAIN: who said anything about women?

Q: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
A: “war” ?
Q: Hey. War is not the answer.

I thought I was so clever coming up with this, but the other day I was eating lunch at a cafe with Melissa, and it went something like this:

We’re in Palo Alto Town & Country, in full view of two different cars with the bumper sticker “War is not the answer.”

BRAIN: What is a three letter word for “armed conflict?”
MELISSA: Uhm… I don’t know.
BRAIN: What.
MELISSA: Nope.
BRAIN: Come on. Three letters.
MELISSA: Uhhhh…. no. I don’t know.
BRAIN: Come on Melissa!
MELISSA: No, I don’t know. How would I know?
BRAIN: You are ruining my joke.

BRAIN: in the name of all that is holy stop effin stapling records to your wall, it looks like a garage sale
CELESTE: funny because it’s true
SNOWDEN: But it’s so hard to staple digital downloads to my wall (whine)
SNOWDEN: and it’s still a step above crusty gym socks with female name tags.
BRAIN: going for that “serial killer chic” huh snowden
SNOWDEN: I want to give the police something to think about
SNOWDEN: should I ever get arrested.
BRAIN: yeah like “jesus, it looks like a garage sale in here”