Get Off John K’s Lawn!

John K is the creator of Ren & Stimpy. He has a blog where he laments the downfall of animation and therefore of western civilization. He’s getting old… or maybe he was always like that.

A recent post has been cracking me up, where he uses Yogi the Bear merch as a metaphor for the decline of culture. I know what his point is supposed to be, but his examples are ridiculous and just make him seem out-of-touch.

It’s true, the merch was better in the 1960’s… but that style looks scary and weird now. Actually it scared me when I got things like that as hand-me-downs as a child in the 1980s.

Secondly, the sort of obvious reason Yogi doesn’t have good merch now is because he is no longer a 1st-tier character. Look at the insane merch for Spongebob Squarepants and you will see what I mean.

Rosslyn Cipher

Neat little video about the Rosslyn Cipher

perhaps the single most mysterious aspect of the entire building are the enigmatic ‘cubes’ located in the ceiling of the Lady Chapel, or retro-choir, which is located at the east end of the chapel. These cubes, which number in their hundreds, are seen emerging from musical instruments played by angels situated at the top of pillars running along the length of the small retro-choir. The cubes rise in silent tribute to the heavens and each cube carries its own set of delicate carvings on all of the exposed faces, what could these carvings mean? It has been suggested that since they emerge from musical instruments, logically, they must represent musical notes, but how can these odd shapes and patterns have any relationship to conventional musical notation?

Sim City Disasters, arcos

JAXA, which plans to have a Space Solar Power System (SSPS) up and running by 2030, envisions a system consisting of giant solar collectors in geostationary orbit 36,000 kilometers above the Earth’s surface. The satellites convert sunlight into powerful microwave (or laser) beams that are aimed at receiving stations on Earth, where they are converted into electricity.


SHAC: uhh
SHAC: UHHHHH
SHAC: they need to play SimCity ASAP
BRAIN: yeah wtf dont you remember the solar array disaster of 2014 ?
SHAC: this was always such a GREAT idea in sim city until it misfired
SHAC: and it would torch half your city
BRAIN: F’in JAXA
BRAIN: they are always behind these insane blow-up-the-world schemes
BRAIN: they are jealous because they never went to the moon
SHAC: though in simcity they would beam w/ microwave not lasers
BRAIN: tomato tomahto
BRAIN: maybe they are actually working on those Maser Tanks you use to fight godzilla


Actually this is not the only wacky thing we learned in Sim City, that actually exists in real life. See also the Arcology, called an “Arco” in SimCity.

As envisioned by creator Paolo Soleri, an Arco is a vertical city with everything integrated into the building design. Modern versions feature small-footprint architecture: small physical footprint, and a small environmental impact.

Soleri now runs Arcosanti, which is basically a prototype Arco in the middle of the Arizona desert. It’s turned into a hip venue for music and art events.

Sort of related is the military satellite “SOL” in the manga/anime AKIRA. Yay defense lasers!

Dan Curtis’ Dracula (1973)

Pros: Very true to the book.
Cons: Jack Palance is ridiculous. Lucy is not that hot.

Also, in the DVD interview, Dan Curtis reveals something that is plain in his version, which I completely disagree with: he says the vampire is a monster, just like a person. That pisses me off. You might as well make one of the Anne Rice books, where the vampire is an immortal gay dude moping through eternity.

In the book Dracula, the entire point is the walking dead is an abomination. Call it going against God, or just the society, or whatever. Dracula’s character has a persona which is nearly impossible to analyse, and this is intentional- he is not a person who has cheated death. A vampire is a walking corpse with only fragments of remembered behavior clinging to it. It is a hideous construct you cannot reason with.

Look at Lucy’s behavior: she is creepy as hell. All her remembered behaviors are inverted. She is an inverted mother ideal, drinking the blood of young children. When she returns to seduce Arthur she uses all kinds of sweet talk, but it’s like if you took a tiger and replaced all its stalking behavior with flirting– it doesn’t like you, Arthur. It wants to eat you. It looks like Lucy, but it’s not.

Here’s another simile: reasoning with the vampire is like trying to talk to a brain damage victim, or someone with Alzheimer’s. All the wires are crossed; you can read meaning into what they are doing, but you are only fooling yourself. The genuine vampire is a walking corpse and has only the illusion of a personality.

Michael Litfin

My first director, Michael Litfin, passed away yesterday.

He had stomach cancer. He was a chain smoker, so I always imagined he’d die from lung cancer, but there you go. I have no idea how old Michael was. In the 1980s he must have been in his 40s, but every year he claimed he had just turned 26.

Michael was the Assistant Director of the Palo Alto Children’s Theater. He directed a pretty large percentage of the plays there, performed entirely by kids under 18. He also did “Outreach” theater, where an elementary school would put on a play. That was my first exposure to the theater.

Michael was great with kids and he taught us some life lessons that were tough to learn and tough to teach. One of them: you have to be at every single rehearsal, and cannot be late. It doesn’t matter if you have homework, if you are sick, even if a relative died. You do not have the option of stopping the show because your life got in the way. I still believe in that.

Michael was cranky as hell. In the mid 1980s Michael got braces and he would blame his crankiness on “my braces just got tightened.” He had some awesome phrases. He would shout “I BREATHE louder than that!!” if you were mumbling your lines. If your acting was unconvincing, he’d shout “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!!!” All these phrases would come out of the darkness, and because the stage lights were in your face you couldn’t see him sitting in the house, shouting at you. Sometimes when the scene was dragging he’d start clapping loudly, like a metronome. I guess to understate it, he wasn’t afraid to comment during your performance.

As an adult, I’ve wondered if Michael was gay; it never occurred to me when I was young, but it really would have fit. Oblivious of me, I know. Sort of like how I suddenly realized John Waters was gay years after seeing all his movies in high school. It doesn’t really matter I suppose.

Michael was our authority figure. We trusted his judgment implicitly. And he inspired camaraderie– Before shows he’d have a short pre-show meeting, like a coach before a play. We’d all chant together “It’s gonna be a good. Show. Good. Show.” etc etc, accelerating and clapping.

So he wasn’t always cranky. But the cranky episodes are certainly a lot funnier. One time I remember we were really sucking; our performance was completely terrible even at the last dress rehearsal. He muttered to us “well if tradition holds, we may have a smash hit on our hands,” referring to the tradition that a bad dress rehearsal implies a good opening.

Some of his directing techniques I still use. I could never come even close to how burned-out he always seemed, but the seriousness and slightly bitter air he brought to his every direction helped overcome the shyness we had as inexperienced performers. He’d explain the emotions we were meant to be evoking, but with a patience and a slight emotional fatigue, which removed any overloading we might have gotten from the actor-director emotional dynamic. We would be entirely unburdened by ourselves and could get straight to the action in the scene.

Example: Michael would sort of sneer: “Romeo and Juliet look at each other… they smile because THEY LIKE EACH OTHER.” His mania was bewildering but it prevented us from feeling any more self-conscious about the performance.

Something kind of odd: yesterday afternoon, I randomly started surfing about the Children’s Theater. I have no idea why. I found out there was some accounting scandal, probably related to the city’s sticker shock on the overtime pay of the employees (plays take many many hours to produce…). So I sent the news articles I found to my friend Lesley, who is a comedienne in Los Angeles. She forwarded me an email about Michael’s illness… only a few hours before he passed away. And she caught me up about his death just now. Eerie.

On a more constructive note, Lesley isn’t the only Children’s Theater alumna/alumnus to continue performing. I was in a few plays with Assaf Cohen, who is a character actor who plays, somewhat ironically, Muslim characters (he’s Israeli I think?). Debbie Lurie was there at the same time, and she works on big-budget soundtracks now.

Chipped tooth

For years I’ve had variants on a recurring dream where I chip a tooth, or where my teeth are shattered. Sometimes I have a third set of teeth that grows in.

Analyze that how you will; it might be seen as an impotence dream, however I am much more concerned about broken teeth than impotence. It may also be caused by grinding my teeth while asleep.

Anyway, in a rush to eat dinner tonight, I bit down incredibly hard on a steel fork. With a sandy crunching noise, I chipped an incisor in two places. I’m hoping the dentist can just file it even or something

So I wonder: will I stop having that dream now? I’m guessing not.

You are not a wizard

I’ve been noticing something about Harry Potter: it’s obviously a fantasy, where the reader (a child) fantasizes they are in the world. A magical world of spells and wands and flying brooms heroes and villains!

But there is no chance the reader could be part of that world. Firstly, the wizard world is hidden. You apparently have to be a wizard to get to the secret platform at the train station. Their shopping district is also secret. They have their own newspapers. They live in their own parallel world they hide from the rest of us. Most wizards seem to be descended from a long line of wizards.

Secondly, one cannot “become” a wizard, one is born a wizard. This strikes me as especially un-American (well they ARE British after all…). Even though occasionally a wizard is born to a Muggle (non-wizard) parent or even parents, no one ever starts out a Muggle and trains to be a wizard. And yes, I know a female wizard is called a witch in Harry Potter land. If that is the thing you are most concerned about for this post, then never mind; just stop reading please.

This all goes back to the Princess fantasy: the fantasy goes-

  • I deserve better than my current lot in life
  • My parents / life are actually unjustly foisted upon me
  • My “real” parents / life / what have you are fabulous
  • At some point I will be rescued from this ersatz life and brought into the fantasy life I deserve

…all of which is of course malarkey.

I blame the Messiah notion– the idea that someone external to yourself is going to come around and save you, just because they feel like it. Until then, you just sit tight and wait!

But how does this relate to Star Wars, you are asking. What? You weren’t asking that? Well shame on you! The relation is this: in the first trilogy, the Force is seemingly something you practice, like Kung Fu. There is a bit of destiny involved, because Luke’s father was “strong in the Force,” but for the most part we follow the Kung Fu movie arc where the student studies at the foot of the master.

THEN, betrayal: in the prequel trilogy, Lucas decides that now, you are basically BORN with the Force- it’s some kind of weird microscopic bullshit. If you aren’t born with it, well then tough. That’s just great. Note that even in feudal Japan, which basically had a caste system, you could be a warlord badass; you just wouldn’t be royalty.

So let’s generalize “being a wizard” or “being a princess” or “having the Force” to just “being fabulous.”

So.

Here’s the especially disturbing part of this: while I obviously like the Puritain Work Ethic fairy tale, where you can get magic powers and be fabulous through practice, I believe that to the majority reader, there is an actual appeal to the unreachable nature of the fantasy. It’s this:

The reader is in no danger of being blamed for not being fabulous. Because they weren’t born to be fabulous. Yeah my life is sucky, but it’s not my fault– Not a wizard, not a secret princess. Oh well!

So I say: Fuck that!

Movie recommendations

These are the somewhat obscure “cult classics” Anisa, Diane and I were talking about over the weekend. All these movies I enjoy watching, and actually I’ve seem them all many times.

Repo Man:
Slacker / punk rock voice of our generation. Highly quotable and anarchic… It’s a very meta movie, with the flimsy plot simultaneously developing and getting more irrelevant as the movie continues… by the end it’s completely insane, but the main character (Otto, played by Emilio Estevez) sort of transcends everything.

The Wicker Man:
1960’s crime/horror movie about an upright, anal-retentive Christian cop investigating a kidnap/murder case way out in the skerries of Scotland. The twist is, the village is entirely pagan/wiccan and is steadily making him lose his mind.

Phantom of the Paradise:
“Faust” crossed with “Phantom of the Opera” done as a 1970’s rock opera. Nerdy loser Winslow Leach sells and then loses his music to luciferian rock star Swan, and then exacts ghastly revenge by terrorizing the production company. Awesome!

Rock and Rule:
Extremely odd 1980’s cartoon about an aging rock star (sort of patterned after David Bowie) who is attempting to steal the voice of a younger rock star, and also summon a demon by sacrificing an entire crowd of concertgoers. Blondie and Lou Reed perform the music. This movie was too weird for audiences; it sunk the production company.

Bugsy Malone:
A gangster movie, with children playing all the parts and shooting each other with “splurge guns,” which are Thompson machine guns that shoot wads of whipped topping. Oh and it’s also a musical. Scott Baio and a pre-Taxi Driver Jodie Foster star. Watch to appreciate its insanity and wonder to yourself “who thought this was a good idea?!”

Faster, Pussycat, Kill, Kill! :
Russ Meyers’ greatest movie, it is definitive of his genre: black and white, tall, powerful, large-bosomed ANGRY women beating up on men. I recommend self-medication while watching this movie, it’s one of the more “challenging” of the movies I’m listing here.



ZardozZardoz:
perhaps the MOST “challenging” film I’m listing here… it’s the future and the elites live in a bubble where they are impervious to aging or death. Outside the bubble, the rabble are constantly terrorized by horse-riding gladiators (one of whom is Sean Connery), who worship ZARDOZ, a flying stone head the size of a castle, who regularly vomits his gifts of guns onto them. Everything I described happens in the first ten minutes, and it gets crazier from there. You’ll be saying “what the FUCK!?” a lot during this movie, but on repeated viewings it makes more sense.

Kung Fu movies:
some people aren’t into kung-fu movies. But I am!



Master of the Flying Guillotine:
The movie the “Street Fighter” games were based on. There’s a martial arts competition, and warriors from different countries all show up, exhibiting their particular styles. The Indian guy can stretch his arms. The Japanese samurai is a badass, never smiles, and of course cheats. And the villain: the Master of the Flying Guillotine, a blind monk who is actually an assassin come to kill the protagonist. His weapon is a beanie on a chain that yanks the victim’s head off. Stolen soundtrack by Neu!



The Bride With White Hair:
1980’s kung-fu magic realism. In a fantastic setting, clans of kung-fu masters (representing “order” here) defend against blood-drinking barbarian hordes (representing “chaos”), led by a hermaphroditic warlock tyrant. The main character is a maverick disciple of the clans, who falls in love with the “wolf girl,” the unbeatable hatchetman for the blood cults. It’s like Romeo and Juliet with flying, Jedi-level kung fu, potions, and demon magic.

Tarantino presents Iron Monkey

I just saw Iron Monkey (the 1993 version). I liked it; he fight scenes were good and it followed what I think of as the Hellraiser plotline– just as the protagonists are getting used to dealing with the villain, a bunch of tougher, meaner villains show up!

Something I didn’t get is the kid is supposed to be Wong Fei Hung, who is sort of a folk hero… Much as Iron Monkey is sort of a folk hero, except Wong Fei Hung was a real historical person.

How did I make this connection? I totally didn’t; I watched Quentin Tarantino’s commentary on the DVD. And it was actually pretty informative! It sounds silly but it’s easy to confuse Tarantino’s annoying on-screen persona with his actual identity, and his interview will do a lot to clarify the difference. Dude knows his kung-fu movies.

One element I liked in Iron Monkey is the use of poison. Sorta like Jade Fox in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But you know, the direction and romance of the characters in Crouching Tiger make that a superior movie, in my opinion. I can’t help but imagine hypothetical movies, like what if the kung fu in Iron Monkey had the story and direction (and budget) of Curse of the Golden Flower?

Part of this is unreachable for a single movie. Not only did you get a director in CTHD who specializes in romances (Ang Lee), but you also have a rich backstory which is only hinted at in the course of the plot. The Crane-Iron pentology is, yes, FIVE books, and CTHD is only the 4th one.

So you get the love story, which is the love that can never be which has apparently spanned decades. But my favorite plotline is the saga of Jade Fox. Not only is she the big baddie they must fight, she’s also extremely sneaky. She’s killed and betrayed the old master, so we know she’s a snake.

Jade Fox is also a “tragic villain” if there is such a thing… she did everything she could to be the best, even betraying people who trusted her (the old master). But in the end, she’s just not good enough– unable to decipher the stolen kung-fu manual, she can only ape the motions of the master. In the end she is surpassed by her own student, doomed to mediocrity. And her anguish is visible in her face, her venom stems from a deep sense of failure and a frustration that has become a seething hatred.

There are even crazier elements in CTHD. You have exotic poisons, stolen kung-fu manuals, spies, a princess posing as a man, rebel chieftains, a magic sword, implausible kung fu weapons… damn!!

Anyway inspired by Tarantino, I’m listing a bunch of Woo-ping Yuen movies on my queue now.

AAAAAAAAA

JOE: You know how you can search for “a” in Google
JOE: and there will be a lot of results
JOE: and you can search for “aa” in Google
JOE: and there will be less results?
JOE: and so on for more and more a’s ?

BRAIN: Uh yeah?

JOE: well when you get far enough down the numbers go up again

BRAIN: Why don’t you just make a graph of your data there Joe

JOE: Oh, I did already. It’s on my homepage.

BRAIN: Okay you win