Commitment to Excellence

COWORKER: I think something’s wrong with the espresso machine. See how it squirts kind of funny? So your coffee might end up weird.

ME: Oh, I think my coffee will be great. And do you know why? Because if it’s not, I’m going to make it again, and again, and again, until it is perfect, even if it takes. All. Day. I have a commitment to excellence.

COWORKER: *backs away slowly*

True Stories From Post-Majority America

McDonald’s comes for sriracha: Assimilation, customization and the fast-food American Dream…The cult condiment is about to go mainstream in a big way — and “Awesome Sauce” could destroy sriracha’s soul

!!!

So much panic over consumption-based self identity!

Will they figure out that Sriracha is already the white person version? That there is farther to go if they expand their horizons beyond the mall?!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

SOMA oxygen

BROLDMAN: wtf is an air bar
BRAIN: oxygen bar
BROLDMAN: you pay to breathe?
BRAIN: you pay to breath flavored oxygen
BROLDMAN: what a beautiful and charming future we live in
BRAIN: yeah seriously!

BROLDMAN: what’s it flavored like?
BRAIN: whatever you pay for!

BRAIN: every dystopian trope from 1950s scifi is a real thing now
BROLDMAN: and like 1/3 of the dystopian innovations come from a neighborhood that’s literally called “soma”
BRAIN: the coincidence is striking
DREAMKILLER: I’m not ruling out the possibility that Aldous Huxley was psychic

BROLDMAN: I remember when I read that book thinking the world seemed pretty fun actually
BRAIN: me too
BRAIN: Bernard is sort of a dick
BROLDMAN: and I’m not an expert on utilitarian philosophy but it seems like that society follows the principles pretty well
BROLDMAN: like, let’s get high, why not
BRAIN: It seemed like life sucks if you are a repressed British guy
BRAIN: but if you are an American raver chick, it’s pretty great!

Champagne Gun

BRAIN: Champagne Gun
WILLIAM: I prefer to have my servants spray people with champagne for me
BRAIN cabana boy, spray these proles with Moet
WILLIAM: I just give a subtle hand signal, they know what to do
SUSANNAH: a mere flicker of the fingers?
SUSANNAH: do they have a hose of champagne or do they have to use bottles?
WILLIAM: bottles of course this isn’t some theme park
WILLIAM: I bet your boyfriend doesn’t even wear a tuxedo after 6:00pm
SUSANNAH: …he doesnt
SUSANNAH: but he does wear a smoking jacket
WILLIAM: *makes a face of utter revulsion like the dowager countess *

There oughta be a law

A: Know what? I’m sick and tired of how the Jedi think they have some kind of authority over us just because they were born with more midichlorians. I feel like someone oughta put together a bunch of death squads and exterminate them.

B: Yeah. *yawn* Me too.

She Was Thirteen

SOMEONE’S MOM: Oooh I read “Palo Alto!”
CLASSMATE: eyuuuch.
SOMEONE’S MOM: was it all true?
CLASSMATE: No, no.
SOMEONE’S MOM: So the story where the track coach has an affair with the high school girl…
CLASSMATE: Of course not.
SOMEONE’S MOM: Oh. Well –
CLASSMATE: He was the volleyball coach. And she was thirteen.