Long Live God Emperor Leto

Once there were a bunch of starving nomads living in the desert- fighting amongst themselves. Then a bunch of richer people found out they could power their vehicles with a mysterious substance found only in the desert. The rich people invaded, and prospered at the expense of the nomads, building a giant commercial empire.

The nomads finally decided they had had enough, and overthrew the colonial powers, taking control of the substance the invaders needed to power their economy.

Then their leader turned himself into a giant immortal worm who could see into the future.

Oh did you think I was talking about OPEC? No, this is the scenario in Frank Herbert’s Dune series. And even though its plot is mainly seen as a fantasy, it does have some veerry interesting ramifications if seen in our current historical context. Hint- now would be a good time to look into solar power.

Frank Herbert’s setting is crazy complicated- it’s over ten thousand years into the future, human civilization spans thousands of worlds, and all of space is ruled by a kind of massive corporate feudalism, complete with hereditary monarchies and the blood feuds that come with them.

Noticeably absent are two major elements common to almost every other sci-fi setting:

  1. there are no robots, and
  2. there are no space battles

Once upon a time, the Empire had faster than light travel, which made interstellar commerce and therefore empire-building possible. But several thousand years before any of the stories are set, there was a massive anti-robot uprising called the Butlerian Jihad, and now all artificial intelligence and “thinking machines” (computers) are forbidden, being replaced by a caste of specially-trained people called mentats. Without computers, faster than light travel became once again impossible. The galaxy entered a new dark age, with no planet communicating with any other.

But then came the spice melange. Its place of origin and means of manufacture a closely-gaurded secret, melange let its human users see a little bit into the future- giving them the reflexes to manually pilot spaceships again. The miners of the spice became a shipping monopoly- the Spacing Guild. The Guild allied with the new emperor and helped rebuild the empire.

Okay so what? This is just wanky space opera! No- this convoluted premise is actually necessary to set up the allegorical situation that makes Dune brilliant.

The empire needs space travel to operate. Thus, they are dependent on the Guild. The Guild needs melange to operate. So they form CHOAM, a consortium of melange manufacturers. A spice monopoly which controls the prices. The Guild indirectly controls entire governments this way- if you anger the Guild and CHOAM, they boost spice prices. Like in the 1973 oil crisis when OPEC boosted oil prices.

As it turns out, melange comes from a single planet, Arrakis, a.k.a. Dune. Arrakis was not uninhabited when the Guild got there- it was populated with a nomadic people called the Fremen. As you might imagine, they weren’t too keen on having their only natural resource sucked out of their planet to make other people rich while they didn’t even have enough money to take a bath. Ever. So, just as the Saudis did in the 1920s and everyone else has been doing through the 1960s and even today, they revolted and seized all the oil, I mean spice. They install one of their own as Emperor.

So what does this mean? Is Herbert making a prophesy, or is he writing an allegory for what he believes has already happened?

The Fremen’s new emperor is Paul Muad’ib, who is actually born to off-world royalty (a white guy). This could be representative of a new colonial power, more subtly controlling the Arab world than their previous colonial oppressors, assuring a steady stream of spice while seeming to maintain Arab sovereignty. For example, American corporations using Saddam Hussein as a military boogeyman to keep the various Iraqi tribes in line.

The (Fremen/Arabs) now control (the Empire / the modern global economy). They dictate cultural changes, they make things more socially conservative in general. They start to make Arrakis a nicer place to live.

Paul’s son Leto becomes the next Emperor for over three thousand years. How? Leto has somehow become a giant alien worm hybrid that can see the future – actually I know exactly how this happens but the exact mechanism is unimportant to this discussion.

I believe Herbert did this to have a single character shaping the destiny of Arrakis/the Middle East, over thousands of years. What Leto does next is the interesting part: he decides to destroy the source of the spice. Having stockpiled it for thousands of years, he has enough to last him a while. But Leto has decided that melange is not good for Fremen culture and seems to think they should move onto other things.

So… is Herbert saying:


  • this would be a good course of future action to the Arabs? Destroy the oil?
  • what the Arabs HAVE been doing is moving out of oil, anticipating there won’t be any some day?
  • someone should destroy all the oil and make the Arabs’ lives better, as well as benefit the global economy long-term?

Escape from Pinole

Through a series of mishaps I’m not going to describe, one of our wedding attendants, my friend Mallika, is missing her bridesmaid’s outfit. It’s now three weeks to the wedding, and those dresses have to be ordered six weeks in advance!

Wait, don’t panic- Diane found a exact duplicate in the right size, here in the bay area. The only complication being, it’s in Pinole. So guess where I drove tonight!

Quick aside-
I was in San Lorenzo, on the way to Alice(Diane’s mom)’s place to drop off her ham when I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I had been warned numerous times not to speed on this stretch of road, so while it was a big bummer it wasn’t a big surprise.

But hold on- the cars passed me. It was a minivan taxi followed by about five police cars.
I was witnessing a high speed chase! Well, not very high-speed, they were driving about 30 mph. The taxi turned into the mall and the police followed it…

This was very weird. Then it got even weirder- the taxi pulled up in front of me and slowed down… but the police seemed to have lost it. The police shut down the road farther up… I was still pulled over. What was going on?

If it was a real chase, why were they driving so slowly? Maybe it was a escort of a VIP or something?

Then I realized the car in front of me was NOT the original taxi- it was just one that looked identical. A decoy maybe? Or just a coincidence? The original taxi being chased tooled around a little bit in the mall and then drove past me in the opposite direction, from whence it came. The police followed.

The worst part is, I still have no idea what the hell that was. How would I even find out? Was there a gangster in the car? A deranged taxi driver? Or a VIP with an escort?

Riiight. I dropped the ham off at Alice’s and started off towards Pinole, armed only with a Yahoo map. I started to fret a little because of vague warnings from ShaC that the exit would be on the left. As pondered it I took the wrong fork off 880 and ended up going towards the Bay Bridge into San Francisco. Ok, I figured there would be a way to turn around just before the toll booths, like at Golden Gate.

Nope! I had to pay my $2 and drive to Treasure Island… which is crazy by the way; getting on and off the bridge from the island is like landing on an aircraft carrier. I wonder what it would be like to live there… do they have convenience stores? Probably. Whole Foods / Andronico’s? Probably not. Movie theaters? Not. Plus you get to ride the bridge EVERY DAY. You better hope you work in the city as opposed to the East Bay, because otherwise you have to pay a toll just to get home.

As it turned out the left exit is for carpoolers.

Driving past Berkeley, none of my mainstream radio stations would come in for some reason. Mix 106 and 92.7 PARTY I could understand, since they both have crappy transmitters… but even 104.9 seemed to be playing some very weird noise music. It’s a little late for April Fools! I reasoned that this must be the pirate radio station which operates out of Berkeley.

Finally got to David’s Bridal. The store in Pinole is a funny place- it has window displays but you cannot see into the store, a little like one of the designer stores in San Francisco (like the Banana Republic store, which for some reason is recently entirely white, khaki, and lime).

The whole of David’s Bridal is racks and racks of dresses- about 60% white dresses for the bride, and 39.9999% colored bridesmaid’s dresses. And in a tiny corner there are two suits. And a binder. For the men. Two.

I thumbed through the wedding resource guides (there is a lot of cool random stuff you can buy for your wedding!) and found a new toy at the counter- the “swift attacher” gun!

You know those thin plastic fibers that hold paper tags onto clothing in the store? the ones you just snap off when you get your new clothes home? The one 1990’s hip hop artists like Digital Underground meticulously preserved on their clothes, the one that the store won’t accept returns without? Okay, well there is a little gun which puts those on. It has a needle and it forces the thin side through the needle, which in turn is forced through the fabric. The thicker heads are all connected in a belt- but you just snap them apart. Pretty cool!

So, I need one of these. ShaC says they are pretty cheap on eBay… I want to make a shirt or something with these fibers sitcking out of it like eyelashes or pin feathers- hundreds of them. I have to sketch it first but I think it could work!

Pressed Ham

Diane wanted a ham for Easter, which is odd, since she doesn’t eat meat. It is for her mom… So I went to Honey Baked Ham in Palo Alto. A store entirely devoted to a single seasonal product.

Note: looking up Honeybaked (no space) will not find you this store. That seems like a deficiency in Yahoo Yellow Pages to me.

ShaC and I got there around noon- it was weird because I lived for a few years about a block away from this place, and it always looked the same- deserted. Just like it did now. I was just hoping the place was open. In high school we joked that it was a front for the Mafia- they never seemed to do any business.

We were planning on hitting Quizno’s after we picked up the ham. Because, you know- “we love the moon.” And “they have a pepper bar.” As we entered, ShaC said, “I wonder if they have sandwiches here?”

The second we walked in, literally six salespeople greeted us. The one closest to the door asked us if we wanted samples, and invited us to try their variety of specialty mustards. There was potatoes au gratin, and tuna salad. We were the only customers in the store.

This was insane. Do these guys just live here?!? Maybe it’s like one of those Sinbad stories, where the salespeople are the damned souls of would-be customers from years past, who wandered in and now are doomed to sell specialty mustards for all of eternity!

As I ordered my ham (who buys an entire ham!!? I guess I do!), every time ShaC or I said something, a different person would answer. It was like Pokémon, or Willy Wonka or something.

GUY: Will that be all?
BRIAN: Yes… oh wait, do you have sandwiches here?
GIRL: We have ham sandwiches.
BRIAN: Shocking.
= everyone pauses for a beat =

Yes that really happened. I made some lame joke about putting a handle on the ham and hitting strangers with it, and then we drove to the bank.

At the bank I needed to make a deposit for my car payment. ShaC brought in our sandwiches to eat or maybe just consider while we waited… I deposited my check with the teller. As she did my paperwork, I noticed there were Easter baskets everywhere, filled with jelly beans and “Peeps.” And next to each basket there was a bottle of Ketchup.

BRIAN: Hey, there’s ketchup here! For our sandwiches maybe?
SHAC: *puzzled*
BRIAN: Why is there ketchup here?
TELLER: To remind you to – ketchup – on your loan payments.
= everyone is silent for a beat =

It really felt like we were all waiting for a laugh track.

The teller was about our age (late twenties) and looked like someone had very specifically instructed her to say that about the loans. She reminded me of Janeane Garofalo in The Cable Guy– something like:

MATTHEW BRODERICK: where’s the fork?
JG: Sir, just as there were no forks in medieval times, so there are no forks at Medieval Times.
MB: But there was Pepsi?
JG: Look, dude

okay maybe my teller wasn’t quite as pissy as her.

But it had that same feel to it: “Yes I am perfectly aware of how lame this is.”

RBG Game

A very cool simulation puzzle game sort of like Conway’s Life or a sharks-and-fish simulation.

You make these simple creatures out of red, green, or blue beads, and they eat the color that grows on a field… you try to get the largest number of them living over the greatest amount of time.
Web link of note: RBG Game
(At http://www.rgb-game.com)

Today’s Peeve

Can someone explain to me why it seems to be so difficult for people to spell the word “lose” correctly?

It follows the normal spelling rules of English- no one pronounces “moose” as “mooz”.

  • loose – “loos” – the opposite of “tight” or “tighten” if a verb. Rhymes with “moose”. The noun “looser” people have created is not a person who doesn’t win; if anything it would be a person who untightens things like bolts or jar lids or something.
  • lose – “looz” – the opposite of “win” or “find”. Sounds close to “muse.” This is NOT the same word! Note the different sound of the vowel and the last consonant.
  • loss – “lahss” – the thing created when you lose. If you are confusing this with “lose” then you just don’t speak English!

Okay I’m done now.